Kiss Me Like You Mean It

It is so interesting how much your intimacy levels change the older you get and the less you're willing to tolerate. Looking back on what I dealt with from ages 18-24 makes me want to bury my head in the sand and never come out. At 19 I kissed a guy at a party in Isla Vista, it was a pretty hot make-out sesh, and about 5 minutes in, he whispered in my ear that he wanted to sleep with me. When I told him no, he flipped the script and started screaming at me in the middle of this party about how much of a tease I was. I froze like a deer in headlights. I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even form a sentence to respond. I left the party immediately after and walked home crying because I was so mortified. If that happened to me now? That mother fucker would've gotten a fist straight to the throat.

I am definitely a daddy's girl, but was raised in a pretty female headstrong environment. My mom boldly didn't take shit from men or anyone for that matter. My dad in the field of love was pretty standoffish until I was much older, but drilled one thing into my head as a teenager. "Boys only want one thing", and I took that will the utmost seriousness because my dad was the smartest and wisest person I had ever known and whatever he said, went. Now, I realize he probably just said that because he didn't want me pregnant at 16.

Dad won that round, so naturally I was the late bloomer out of my friends. Boys were intriguing and I was crazy about them, but scared the hell out of me at the same time. My first kiss didn't set me up for success either, the kid damn near ate my face off. After that, I would have moments where I would physically run away from boys. Which set me up for failure by the time college rolled around. I was all sorts of naive and just let guys walk all over me. I don't think I had sober sex until I was 23, and let me tell you those dudes weren't there to please me, they were there for themselves. The most disconnected form of sex you could ever imagine and the craziest part looking back at it, was no one was explaining it to us. No one was telling us that when you kiss someone and it doesn't make your knees weak, that you're just doing it to do it and it's probably not worth your time. Or when you're both stumbling over your own words there will be no passion in those sheets, just sloppiness and regret. We were just throwing out lines and hoping to reel in a decent one. Luckily, you get to a point where you've been disappointed so many times you finally hit your threshold. For me, that was around 25. I'm not saying it's the smartest way to go about things, it's just how things happened to go for me specifically.

The older I got the pickier I became with who I was willing to give my time to. Sex and intimacy have changed a lot for me throughout this period. It has become a personal encounter and not just a fleeting one-sided moment. I'm not saying sex has to be some crazy intimate solar connection that bonds you as one forever, but I am saying one night can be shared respectfully and affectionately much more than just a drunken, awkward, or disrespectful interaction. Kiss me like you mean it. Be present and involved. Don't just be there because I'm the last one standing.

A lot of people have lost the exhilarating part of an intimate moment. It's just too easy to find nowadays. At a click of a button, you can get laid almost instantly. Boring. I had a friend who was crowned king of Hinge, circulating the nine different girls he had been simultaneously involved with, in his messages daily. Dedicating certain days of the week to specific girls. Who has that kind of time and how are you possibly connecting with any of them?

If you're having sex just to have sex, you're either young and making mistakes (that you're hopefully learning from), or more likely than not, masking a greater issue. I've grown through personal experience to believe sex shouldn't be a cover-up for deeper problems. It's the most intimate you can be with another person and sex without respect or sensuality sucks. I've had moments throughout my life where I've been introduced to a man, and at first glance my stomach coils in knots and when they finally kissed me, time stopped. That's what you want man, not some "eh, you'll do" moment.

I don't really date more than one person at a time. I think it's kind of rude to not give someone the time they deserve but in others people's defenses, my guys are fleeting. They usually don't go anywhere past a couple of innocent dates, like I said, I'm picky and I know what I want.

I have no regrets about how things panned out. I'm actually quite happy things happened the way they did. The lessons I've learned so quickly from the recycled disappointment, but along the way, I've found some solid gems that made me feel beautiful and respected. So thanks to those ones.